


MURDERBOT

by JJMarmite



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 14:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9389768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJMarmite/pseuds/JJMarmite
Summary: I...genuinely forgot about this. I'm very sorry.A robot joins Hogwarts. Adventure awaits.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Oh dear.

The Sorting Hat sat immobile and silent. It had a lot to work with. It always did, really, but this time there was something different. Had it had fingers, it would not have been able to put them onto the issue. Since it did not, it was even more lost. But it had experience on its side, and when that failed it could be cryptic. Such a combination was unbeatable. Best of all though, it simply did not care, so after rambling into the head of this particular pupil for some time it made an arbitrary decision.

“Hufflepuff!” The hat roared, to much cheering.

“MURDERBOT CANNOT WAIT TO ENGAGE IN EXCITING ADVENTURES WITH NEW FRIENDS,” Murderbot said. Had they had the Tear/Duct subsystem installed they would have cried with joy, but they did not. Instead, to convey the same general feeling, they utilized the digital display they had instead of a face to create a few crudely-animated teardrops. Those pupils in the first few rows appreciated it, but those further back just though Murderbot was malfunctioning due to joy, which worked out largely the same in intent anyway.

Murderbot sat down, receiving many slaps on the back. The selection continued and the new pupils were whittled off one by one to their houses until none were left. The hall filled to the brim with the ear-rattling chatter of hundreds of children, only brought to a halt by a gentle but piercing tap of spoon on goblet. All eyes turned to the teachers table at the head of the hall. Dumbledore – restored to life through the unholy fusion of cold steel and ancient, unknowable rituals – rose very precisely on mechanical legs to address those gathered before him.

“I should not be here. I am unnatural and an affront to everything we hold dear,” he said in his soothing, gentle voice. He then indicated Murderbot “This is how far we have sunk as a magical society, allowing machines to join our schools. Dig in. My every moment is agony.” He then sat down again. The pupils needed no further prompting – and in many places didn’t need cutlery, either – and immediately began to devour everything put in front of them. Not wishing to feel left out, Murderbot picked up a haunch of venison and rubbed it against their faceplate. This seemed to do the trick.

“Hey, are you rubbing a haunch of venison on your head?” Asked a boy to Murderbot’s left. Murderbot nodded.

“MURDERBOT ANSWERS IN THE AFFIRMATIVE,” they said. The boy smiled.

“I’m Luke. We are now friends,” he said, jabbing Murderbot in the faceplate with a chicken drumstick. A girl across the table snapped her fingers, drawing the attention of both.

“I’m Beth. I am also now friends with both of you,” she said. Unable to reach Murderbot with her food she settled on throwing her drink across the table. And thus the pact was sealed. Presumably the exciting adventures would happen later. For now, Murderbot was content to bathe in the glow of new friendship and the hot drip of wax from the floating candles. The other pupils suffered mild burns, Murderbot did not have this problem. They had been treated against wax damage.

Eventually the meal ended and pupils began filing out to go to their new houses, following Prefects and such so as not to get lost. Being cool kids, Luke, Beth and Murderbot started smoking and loitering, figuring they could probably work out where to go anyway. Once loitering lost its charm, they started sauntering instead, and while so engaged they ran across a particularly fair-haired pupil from another house, flanked by a team of professional goons.

“A robot? They’ll let anyone in these days,” sneered Malfoy, who had somehow gotten younger again and come back to school and forgotten the lessons learnt during his previous childhood. He was also now a girl, because why not. She was also now a girl, rather. She flicked her hair back repeatedly, but the hair simply would not listen and continued to be where it wasn’t supposed to be. Luke and Beth took friendly steps forward to gallantly defend their new buddy but Murderbot would have none of it. Putting a manipulator onto each of their shoulders he held them back and stepped up personally.

“MURDERBOT HAS AS MUCH RIGHT TO BE HERE AS YOU,” they said. Malfoy let out a series of increasingly mirthless laughs, until she was just breathing loudly and pointedly. Murderbot, relying on politeness protocols, let them finish.

“Reeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllyyyyy?” She asked, her head twisting further and further to the side as the word dragged out.

“MURDERBOT ANSWERS IN THE AFFIRMATIVE,” Murderbot said, answering in the affirmative.

“Yeah!” Luke backed them up, waving around an accusing finger at Malfoy and her goons.

“You don’t even have blood. I don’t know if that makes you worse than a Mudblood, but I will assume it does,” Malfoy said, undaunted by fingers. Beth gasped at that word, and a quick cross check through Murderbot’s vocab database revealed the word to be pejorative. They conjured eyebrows of pixels to display their displeasure.

“MURDERBOT IS SOAKED IN THE BLOOD OF A THOUSAND INNOCENT SOULS,” they said. It was hard to tell with every word leaving the tiny speaker stuck in their chest, but this was said very defensively. Beth took a step forward.

“Yeah! So leave them alone!” She said. Malfoy, smirking, held her hands up.

“Alright, alright, you win. For now,” she said, turning to walk away and signalling for her goons to follow. About halfway down the corridor though she spun in place, hand whipping up to point back. Her other hand rose and tugged at a ripcord on her collar and an enormous, rippling cloak spilled from a hidden pack that had been waiting for just such a moment. Several other pupils who had been watching events fainted in wonderment at this, while others considered it perhaps a little over the top. Malfoy could have cared less about both and remained poised, still pointing. Her goons took the cloak and helped it ripple some more.

“But you have best check yourself! For I will wreck you before you even have a chance to wreck yourself! You have made a powerful enemy today, simply by existing and me not liking you!”

One of the goons rattled a metal sheet to produce a satisfying thundery roll before Malfoy turned and stalked off properly this time, cloak catching on everything behind her and tearing itself to shreds on several sconces. The trio of friends watched her go.

“I would like to enter into a relationship with her,” Luke observed dryly, stroking his chin.

“What a coincidence, so would I,” Beth said stroking his chin as well.

“I hope this won’t be a source of conflict between us,” Luke said. Beth did not reply, already plotting how best to get him out of the way so that sexy, sexy Malfoy could be all hers.

“MURDERBOT IS INCAPABLE OF RELATIONSHIPS,” Murderbot said. It was a compatibility issue. But that would not stop them from trying. After all, it was part of the adventure.

**Author's Note:**

> What the hell just happened?


End file.
